One of the fundamental competencies for a professional:

Emotional intelligence

Norbert Apter¹

With equal competencies, the way of being in our relationships makes the difference.

A professional has to have both intellectual and technical competencies. There is no doubt about this. However, many professionals forget that other competencies are also necessary to be a fully functioning and efficient professional. Regardless of their profession. These other competencies make all the difference. They foster the professional’s way of being in relationships and of stimulating constructive dialogue: 
- one’s Emotional Intelligence,
- the capacity of facilitating the relational climate of work, ﾀ the development of diverse relational skills that are specific to one’s professional situation.

In this article I will address the notion of Emotional Intelligence. « Emotional Intelligence » is a term which encompasses all the skills that we can develop from our emotional world. Emotional Intelligence helps us to relate constructively to our own life and to that of others’. This term was coined by Daniel Goleman. .

Why develop one’s Emotional Intelligence ?

Since the 1950’s already, psychologists have been aware that if a professional does not know how to be at ease with his/her emotions and how to use them constructively, (s)he is at risk of experiencing relational troubles, with him/herself and with others. Misunderstandings, frustrations and inner wounds etc… might pile up. People who have difficulties with their emotions will often submit to or rebel against others, negate themselves or others, or may enter and unwillingly co-create painful relationships in which their usual reassuring professional benchmarks seem to disappear.

Insecurity may progressively creep in; in turn, this may lead to a lack of sense, wounds regarding self-esteem, a feeling of co-dependency, or even feelings linked to abuse.

Mr S. is afraid to say “no” to his boss. He absolutely needs to please him. And he therefore says “yes” even when he feels “no”. Mr S. is highly capable, so the boss does not worry and keeps on adding and adding new tasks. The workload has grown bigger and bigger over the time and/or –who knows?- Mr S. has less and less energy: he has accumulated frustrations and discomforts; insecurity and tensions with his boss have built up. One day Mr S. became inefficient. He burnt out.

Was it worth it? For anybody? When a professional does not know how to use his/her emotions, (s)he is likely to alternate between hiding them or expressing them over and over again. Hiding one’s emotions (from oneself and/or from others), repressing them and closing them in, is a risky strategy: one may end up imploding (developing headaches, stomach-aches, anxieties, eczema, burn out, depression etc…) or exploding like a pressure cooker (becoming irritable, having outbursts, becoming aggressive, violent etc…). Expressing emotions continuously is no better. It does not solve anything. It becomes frustrating and meaningless. A feeling of powerlessness may grow, leading also to implosions or explosions.

Whether big or small, implosions and explosions are painful and risky, when not dangerous. They diminish (at times even annihilate) the efficiency of the professional and the team …who are then obviously not functioning fully.

Mrs M. is responsible for a department. She is very task-oriented. Last year, her department was rewarded for its great performances. However, Mrs M. is afraid of conflict. In team meeting she never dares asking « how do people feel about each other? or « how are the relationships within the group? ». Mrs M. tries to avoid relational issues and to « manage and solve » them very very quickly. In fact, seeing as they were not addressed at the time, tensions have grown in the team, some have developed into serious conflicts, and have deteriorated the work climate to such an extent that everyone is suffering because of it. Everyone’s performance is obviously highly affected as everyone’s energy is put into the conflicts.

So, what can I do if I do not know how to use my emotions? Develop my Emotional Intelligence.

What does it mean « to develop one’s Emotional intelligence » ?

I need to accept the reality of my emotions. They exist. Some psychologists say that there are five basic emotions: love, joy, anger, sadness and fear. Some add to them, one or two: surprise and/or disgust. However, all psychologists agree about the fact that there is a huge number of derivatives and of combinations of them (frustration, enthusiasm, hatred, pleasure, despair, relief, anxiety etc…). They are a real « inner movement ».

Whether I want to have emotions or not, they do exist. They are present all the time, like the body, the soul, the brain, the heartbeat, breathing etc.... Whether I am aware
of them or not, whether I feel them or not, whether I listen to them or not, whether I use them constructively or not, my emotions are present. The inner emotional movement goes on and on. Becoming aware of my emotions and identifying them may progressively combine itself with accepting them. I might indeed want to stop putting so much energy into repressing them, into keeping them unknown, into searching to fight them, to avoid them, to minimize or exaggerate them. It might be important just to identify and accept them. By being afraid of my emotions, I am being afraid of a part of myself. By blaming them, I am blaming a part of myself. By fighting with them I impose a lifelong struggle on myself. Since I live with my emotions 86400 seconds-a-day, I might even want to develop a real friend- ship with them. With this part of me: MY emotions; because indeed they are mine. They have their own specific way to be triggered. I should even say my very specific way. I had better own them. I need to become responsible for what is mine: my emotions. They are legitimate and they are mine. During training workshops, I often choose the following example:

When a three year old boy plays football in the kitchen, he does not make mummy angry. She becomes angry. Her anger is hers. Someone else would smile tenderly, or if amused, laugh, or might be afraid, etc… No! the child does not make mummy angry, he plays football. She is responsible for her anger.

Nor does the spider frighten you: it passes by, and you are frightened. Your fear is yours. Similarily your colleague doesn’t make you angry. He does or says what he does or says, and you become angry. Your anger is yours and you are responsible for it.

Whatever the profession one has, owning one’s emotions can diminish the otherwise unnecessarily created tensions. It brings about important changes. One does not suffer from being a victim of one’s emotions anymore (so many people say: « I was so angry, that I did this, I said that… but I assure you that I did not mean it!»). One’s perception of others changes. One is not a victim of them anymore: it is no more their fault that we feel what we feel when they say or do what they say or do. Not only are these emotions mine, but the other also has his or hers. Emotions are always present in our relationships. By accepting and being empathic with emotions in general, a professional might be motivated to learn from emotions; both his/her own and others’. What- ever other skills that one has acquired (in problem solving for example), everyone needs to take into account these emotional clues. To some extent, everyone does. We are all afraid to cross the road. Fortunately. Hadn’t we have this protective fear, we would already be dead! Now the question is to ensure that we don’t get stuck, paralyzed, on the sidewalk, nor that we dismiss the fear and run to cross the road without looking first. So, what have we done with our fear of crossing the road? In general we have more or less mastered it.

Mastering one’s emotions is a very important emotional skill to develop . It is a great asset in a number of situations, especially when facing difficult interactions (where positions of « control », or « out of control » are so very risky). Mastering our emotions fosters our capacity of mastering our expression.

To develop one’s Emotional Intelligence means acquiring all the above emotional competencies and more. It facilitates becoming relax and assertive, open, empathic, respectful and caring. Fortunately, it is feasi- ble.

Conclusion

For many years now, we know that a professional needs to take care of both fundamental dimensions of his/her profession: tasks and relationships. Creating a synergy between the Intellectual, the Technical and the Emotional Competencies will help a professional be responsible and master these two dimensions.

In an intercultural setting, a professional may thus develop a capacity for working with differences; differences might be at times surprising², intriguing³, or frustrating⁴ etc… By developing an ease in living with one’s emotions, the other becomes an Other, with his/her own synergy. With emotional competencies, professionals will perceive, accept and take into account more easily the emotions of the Other. They will be more at ease and establish ways and means to dialogue constructively, which is so important when handling difficult interactions (including problem solving, clashes between different frames of references, conflict resolution, insecurity, or even aggressiveness).

Creating a synergy between our intellectual, technical and emotional competencies may very well help to then increase both:

-  the capacity of facilitating the relational climate of work
-  the development of diverse relational skills that are specific to one’s professional situation.

It gives a professional the chance of becoming more and more at ease, competent and efficient in stimulating constructive dialogues and actions.

The author is trainer and psychotherapist based in Geneva.