Bootstraps for all by the year 2010

Alison Katz, WHO

At a $5000-a-plate charity supper for FWCC¹ dignitaries, the Holy Wealth Organization (HWO) has unveiled ambitious plans for eradicating poverty. While the condition itself is not life-threatening to key HWO constituents, its side effects can be unpleasant and frequently impair quality of life. Acute episodes are short lived but can cause extreme irritation and discomfort.

A highly cost-effective intervention bringing immediate relief has been known to the public health community for well over a century. New and improved devices have recently been developed and HWO will be assisting in scaling up their use through aggressive social marketing campaigns.

The intervention consists of a pair of bootstraps. Delivered in bulk to the worst affected countries, it enables entire populations to «lift themselves out of poverty» thereby bringing more or less instant relief to hundreds of sufferers contemplating their plight, year after year, from the confines of their New York and Geneva offices.

As Dr Richard PullYourSocksUp, reports: «Incredible as it seems, this simple device offers comfort to thousands of our clients. They just order a consignment of bootstraps, mail them off to some starving or war-torn community in the world, and wait a few minutes. The effects are almost instantaneous. A warm feeling of self satisfaction spreads rapidly through the blood stream».

Contrary to received wisdom, the intervention requires no multisectoral effort, no complex analysis of root causes nor any radical change in policy. There is no need even for food, water or sanitation! «Those old chestnuts have deprived us of relief from our problems for decades. At last we can remove them from the equation» exults world expert, Dr Marie Antoinette Give’mCake of CRWT².

Dr Theophilus GetUp’nGo who studied the problem in depth for a full three weeks in March 2001, is adamant. «Anyone with a bit of initiative, enterprise, good will and business acumen can learn to fasten the bootstraps. From there, he (or she) only has to straighten up, grasp the straps on either side, lift one foot after the other . . . and Bob’s your uncle!».

Community participation however is invaluable, especially in fitting bootstraps on babies, old people and amputees. Specially adapted bootstraps have been developed to cater for the various recalcitrants who regularly impede progress on this kind of bold initiative.

There have been occasional mishaps during fitting sessions but evidence based research clearly shows that poverty itself kills and maims far greater numbers of people than bootstraps whether they are made of leather, sheep intestine, vulcanized rubber or gossamer thin silk³.

In partnership with corporate philanthropists including bootstrap magnate Sir Ernest Cobblers-Cobblers, HWO is launching a worldwide social marketing campaign with the aim of achieving 60% coverage by 2005 and 100% coverage by 2010.

Dr Trips and Prof Margin of CCD (Consultants behind Closed Doors) are currently negotiating pricing mechanisms with the aim of sharing costs and spreading risks equitably among the poor. «Profit margins under 18% are unacceptable to us. We realize that the top 500 companies make do with 6% on average but R and D investments in our area are high. It takes $600 billion over 15 long hours to develop a hightech bootstrap. Quality has to be paid for!»

In response to critics who protest that most of that R and D budget is spent on D rather than R, and that the budget for marketing bootstraps is roughly double this amount, Trips and Margin assert that these people «had long hair in 1968» (sic).

Leading international economist- turned-psychoanalyst, Dr Nazelr Etention, adds that «it is a well known fact that unless consumers pay through the nose for products, their motivation to use them – and their satisfaction during use – remain low».

The report of an ongoing five-site pilot project will be published shortly. Preliminary results are encouraging. 65% of participants in the trials showed significant symptomatic improvement. Among those who recommended bootstraps in their programmes but somehow failed to send any to poor communities, improvement was less striking. In a few cases, some entirely unexpected symptoms appeared which may be related to inappropriate use of the faculty for rational thought. Some participants suffered attacks of uncontrollable giggling and had to be prescribed complete bed rest and the reading of UN field manuals. Others displayed a paranoid fixation about having been «taken for a ride» with something that seemed «a bit silly».

Reports from the field are mixed. Consistent and correct use – which is known to be 99% effective – is difficult to achieve. Peasant communities in several countries are being encouraged to wear them in bed to prolong the effects (cases of spontaneous ejection from the bed from pulling inadvertently on the boot straps have thankfully been rare). Elsewhere however, emergency IEC (information, communication and education) is being introduced to counter widespread distrust and incomprehension. Tons of spanking⁴ new bootstraps are reported to be stuck in ports and regrettably also, in HWO country and regional offices.

1) FWCC is the association of Fat Wallets and Clean Consciences which meets quarterly to assuage incapacitating levels of guilt which may have accumulated over the recent fiscal period.

2) CRWT is the feminist association Crumbs from the Rich Woman’s Table which promotes equality in all aspects of exploitation, irrespective of sex.

3) The latter variety has been developed as a fashion accessory for charity personalities by a chemical conglomerate. The company is shortly to be quoted on the stock exchange. Investors please note that all employees with the exception of children under the age of 8 will be laid off to increase stock market value.

4) This indication is still being researched. Orno, P and Raph, G (2002) Spanking with bootstraps: dual purpose appropriate technology for the relief of sexual dysfunction and poverty (in print).