THE TWO MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS IN ASIA

“Madam, are you married?”, “Do you have any kids, Madam?”
The two most frequently asked questions I face anywhere in Asia no matter the gender or age of the inquirer.

KATHERINE KRAMER

I am in Camp Darapanan near Cotabato City, on the southern side of the island of Mindanao in the southern Philippines. It is one of several camps recognised by the Government of the Republic of the Philippines belonging to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, an armed movement fighting for the independence of the predominantly Muslim Bangsamoro inhabitants of Mindanao. I’m here as one of several trainers at a workshop on International Humanitarian Law and Human Rights Law for Bangsamoro women.

The questions came at the conclusion of my session with one of the most polite introductions that I’d ever heard (usually people don’t bother). One of the female participants said, “Madam, can I ask you a personal question?” Of course, all things considered, I’d rather have a room full of women than men ask me this question. The former happened several months ago when I was here giving the same training to a group of men. With the women, I do not have to deal with the inevitable marriage proposals that follow when they hear I am still unattached.

However, this time was somewhat unique. When I told them, “No, I’m single, no kids”, they cried, “But, Madam, you should start thinking of your personal life.” Not so unlike a comment I’d received earlier in the year after a conversation with one of the Sri Lankan Tamil leaders whom I’ve known for several years. However, the women went further, perhaps due to their own cultural values and here religion has a strong influence. They kindly, but insistently informed me that it was my job to create “little Katherines” – as if they were assured that any children I had would take up my good qualities and be little humanitarians trying to save the world.

I tried to give my usual response, the one that goes, “But if I had a husband and kids, I most likely would not be travelling the world and be here with you giving the training.” (At least I’m aware that if I did have a family, to keep it, I’d have to spend more than half my time at home rather than the 50/50 that I do now globe trotting.) However, they were not so easily put off. Instead they suggested I get a Bangsamoro husband. I then decided to play with them a bit, as I travel regularly to a number of different countries. “Should I have a husband in every country I visit?” – “Oh madam, that wouldn’t do!” exclaimed simultaneously more than one of the women, their eyes nearly popping out of their heads.

I wasn’t too surprised that my suggestion received the shocked outcry, or that it didn’t go over so well. All of the women were Muslims in a culture where a man is allowed more than one wife, but definitely not the wives more than one husband.

Some people would ask why I don’t just lie about my marital status. Yet, however appealing that might be, especially if the one asking is a man, I just can’t bring myself to lie. Perhaps I am too American. After all, I read somewhere that Americans readily tell complete strangers their life stories, particularly while travelling in trains or planes. This particularly resonated for me, as I can’t say how many times I’ve bared my soul to a stranger while travelling from one place to another.

Actually, after some nine years of travelling around Asia, I’m used to the questions and the surprise at my response. After all, I’m in my early thirties, still single and have no children. What else can I expect in societies where it is a common practice to marry at an early age and have children – lots of them.

On this trip, my driver is 38. He got married the first time at 16. He is on his 2nd marriage, though in this case he divorced his first wife. He has 10 children, which he terms as “not many”. His oldest is 18 and the youngest is 4. As much as it shocks them that I’m single, to hear their stories, it truly boggled my mind.

Katherine Kramer was born in Seattle, Washington. She lives in Geneva, Switzerland where she is the Regional Director for Asia for Geneva Call, a humanitarian organisation that engages armed non-State actors in a ban on anti-personnel mines and other humanitarian norms. She travels frequently to Asia in the course of her work.